Oh no, I am almost 30 and the world is ending!

The other day I was out to lunch with my dad. I was talking about my birthday plans a few months from now. He turned to me and said, “You’re turning 30 this year? Holy shit.” Yes, dad. Yes, world. I am turning 30 this year. If you’re reading this, I am guessing you are in your mid-late 20’s and stressed about turning 30. Or maybe you’re already past that age and just want something to read.

At 29, I have never felt more alone in my entire life. Not because I don’t have friends or family, and not even because I am unhappy. 29 just feels like a chapter that is coming to an end, and I feel like I didn’t fill all the pages. It can make you feel like you’re not where you need to be and that everyone around you is doing so much better than you.

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I’ve always believed that aging was a privilege. Not everyone is able to turn 30, 40, 50, or even 90. Yet, for some reason, the last four years of my life, people have been telling me:

“Oh, you’re almost 30.”

“Wait till you’re 30!”

“You don’t have kids yet? Why? You’re almost 30!”

“Are you going to do anything else with your life?” (Like I am not already doing something!)

So, what’s the real problem with turning 30? Why do people think that when you turn 30 you need to be at a certain place in your life, with certain accomplishments, kids, a house and a white picket fence?

This is what I have learned and what I truly believe:

Your 20’s are the first time in your life without a roadmap or a guide.

From the day you are born, until you turn 18, you have a roadmap in front of you.

You go to preschool, then elementary school, middle school, high school, and then maybe college if you decide to. Many friends and peers of the same age are on the exact same timeline, and told what to do by the guidelines of society. Sports, clubs, and after school activities keep similar age groups together in the same box. You are on the same track as all your peers. So, there’s not this need to compare because everyone your age is doing almost all the exact same thing. When you turn 20, things start to change. Some people are still in college, some already working full time in their career, or in the military, or just rich kids traveling the world. The point is, everyone at 20 is suddenly everywhere.

Now let’s use me as an example. I went to college when I was 18 until I was 22. A few years later when I was 25, I looked around and all my friends were getting married. Then 28 came and people were having babies. Now at 29, everyone around me is engaged, married, having more babies, or on some crazy successful career path. Here I am. An unmarried, childless, bartender, who likes to write and doesn’t know what is coming next.

When I was in my early 20’s, I was in a similar spot to where I am now.

Working at my family’s bar. Watching people come and go, while I stayed.

Living in the same town.

Writing.

Always writing.

I have to ask myself, “If what I was doing back then was okay, what makes it different now? What makes it not okay?” There was a simple answer. Comparison. I was happy and am happy with what I was doing, but other people saw this lack of change as a failure.

What people didn’t see was: the bad relationship I finally got out of, my battle with drugs and alcohol, the debt I paid off, the degrees I earned, the time I spent with family, my mental health battle, the poems I wrote. What others saw of me was surface level. They only saw a bartender. I saw progress.

I remember at one point, I looked around and had 3 friends pregnant, my brother was having a baby, and 2 of my cousins were pregnant…all at the same time. All between the ages of 26-30. I sort of crashed out. (or maybe I crashed out a lot if you ask my siblings) Every time someone told me they were pregnant, I would be like…“you too??”

Last year, I was sitting in bed with my then boyfriend when my phone lit up with a text from my brother, Anthony. The text simply read “Bella.” Anytime my family uses just my name in a text, I know something has happened. I don’t know how but somehow in that moment I knew he was about to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant. His girlfriend that mind you, he had only been dating for one month. Then, came the second text. “*** is pregnant.” I immediately got out of bed, went into the bathroom, shut the door quietly, and sobbed to myself. At this moment, I felt a few things. First, damn my poor brother. Second, I switched to a more selfish version. I asked myself how my YOUNGER brother and this girl could get pregnant after just one month.

Why not me?

I asked myself this question a lot. Each time a new friend or family member got pregnant, I would congratulate them in public. Then when I would get home, I would throw myself a pity party and say to myself, “When is it going to be my turn?” It wasn’t jealousy. It was something else. The feeling of being left behind. The feeling that I would lose all my friends and family if I couldn’t catch up. I was terrified that someday our lifestyles would be so different, that we would no longer fit into each other’s lives.

Marriage was another hard pill for me to swallow. When I was a kid, I planned my future wedding in my head. I imagined my wedding at 25 with the love of my life in the biggest white dress. I was going to get married in Italy. There would be sunflowers and I would look like Cinderella. Next thing I know, here I am. Single and planning a trip to Italy alone next year. My best friend, Taylor (Hi, Taylor!) got married last November. I was her maid of honor, and it truly felt like an honor being a part of her special day. When she put on her dress, a small voice in the very back of my head asked “When will I get to do this?”. I shoved the voice down because it was her day, but the voice was still there. The thing is, I am not mad I don’t have a husband, I just wish people would see that life is still happening to me without one. So when people ask why I am unmarried, I am brought back to this feeling. The feeling that I will always be the bridesmaid, never the bride.

I have a niece and a nephew and my family spawns babies like it’s no tomorrow. I also have 3 younger siblings, so I already feel like a mom most days. I have never felt like I was in a rush to have kids, I just felt like I was falling behind not having a kid by now. All I knew was that when I was ready, whatever age that was, that I wanted to be: financially stable, married to a supportive man, and own a home. Something we need to remember:

SOME PEOPLE DO NOT WANT KIDS!

SOME PEOPLE CANNOT HAVE KIDS!

Either way, none of this puts anyone behind or ahead of anyone.

30 is also seen as the end of youth. I don’t believe that. When I was 21, I was eating poorly, never worked out, and didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Now at 29, I have confidence. That’s something I had to fight for in my twenties. I started working out, eating better, and evolving into a person that I liked when I looked in the mirror. Now, I’m hot. That’s just a lucky bonus I guess. I would not be the person I am today if I didn’t have the privilege to get older.

Truthfully, you can change your life anytime you want to. Turning 30 does not mean you are stuck. You can change your career, end that relationship, write that book, get sober, or go on that trip you’ve been putting off. You are never too old to change and it is never too late. The time is going to pass anyways. You might as well live life on your terms.

This is what I tell people:

“Aging is a privilege.”

“How lucky I will be when I turn 30!!”

You are not a failure just because you’re 30 and don’t meet society’s expectations of what that means. If you are struggling because you feel like you are not in the right place right now, just remind yourself that your roadmap is different. You are not behind. You are right where you belong.

How lucky am I to be able to draw a new map for myself when I turn 30? or even when I turn 40?

I can’t wait for the next person to ask me how old I am.

xoxo bella