How to get over a loser! (My life story)

I have had a handful of men I have dated that have made me question my standards, my sanity, and overall who I am as a person.

Moving on and healing is hard. There’s no right way to do it, and there is no wrong way. Everyone heals in their own messed up way. Family and friends can offer you their advice, but the truth is that when it comes to a breakup, everyone heals on their own timeline. People don’t move on until they decide they are ready to.

Now, starting off strong, I will tell you how I got over my first heartbreak.

When I was 22, I went through what I thought was the biggest heartbreak of my life. I started dating this guy when I was 17. I gave him “everything”, or what I thought everything was when I was a teenager. We were together almost six years, a big part of my formative years. I lost my virginity to him, moved in with him when I was only 19, and even got him a job at my dad’s restaurant. I knew we weren’t meant to be. We were complete opposites and honestly towards the end, really mean to each other. I remember I came home from work one day and all his things were moved out of our shared apartment. That’s how it ended. Six years gone…and he took all the damn TVs.

Anyways, this is how I healed from that.

GET OVER A LOSER HACK #1: PARTY WITH FRIENDS

Go out. Get out of your house. Especially if you lived with this person and they moved out. It’s not healthy being in a space all the time that reminds you of them. Now, this may not be the healthiest advice (but at 22 this was what I knew!) Go to a bar and grab a drink with some friends! Going out when you’re young is a rite of passage. That’s what your early 20’s are for. So, let loose. Go to that club! Put on your cutest outfit and just party through it.

My next relationship was barely a relationship, but it felt like one at times. I count it because it taught me a lot about myself. This was my first situationship. Tale as old as time.

About a year after my relationship ended, I met a guy through a mutual friend, who also happened to bartend at my favorite bar. You know how they say never date the bartender? Yeah, well at 23 I didn’t know that. I was also a bartender, and why would nobody want to date me? Anyways, this man basically confused the fuck out of me. I had never experienced spending time with someone, sleepovers, sex, and deep talks being considered “casual”. Of course, I eventually caught feelings for this person. Let’s call him JoJo. To make a long story short, after I caught feelings, I told him I wanted more. What did he do? Ghost me for an entire summer. Funny enough, eventually he apologized and we continued the next five years of “casual” hookups between failed relationships and lonely times. I understood he never wanted anything serious, and I was finally able to recognize that and take the situation for what it was.

GET OVER A LOSER HACK #2: KNOW YOU DESERVE MORE

The guy didn’t treat you right? You didn’t get everything you wanted out of the relationship? It’s okay to end things because you know you need more. It can suck and it can hurt, but why would you want to be with someone who didn’t give you everything you want? We are so capable of finding the love we deserve, but oftentimes we settle because it’s so hard to let go. Make a list of what you want out of your next relationship, and don’t settle! Of course no relationship is perfect, but if you think you deserve more, chances are…you probably do. Stop wasting your time on men that won’t give it to you.

Knowing I deserve more is what leads me into the next relationship. To this day, this was the relationship I needed the most healing from. In fact, I am still healing.

We are gonna call this man Jorge. Now, I met Jorge in 2019. You know when you meet someone for the first time and you just have this deep feeling your life is about to change? That’s how I felt when I met him. We were friends for a few years, and then finally he asked me to be his girlfriend. This relationship was interesting because I was his first girlfriend. His FIRST girlfriend. He was 30. There were a lot of things he didn’t know how to do, and there were a lot of things I didn’t know how to handle with the right emotional intelligence. We weren’t perfect on either side, but I had never been more in love. He was truly my best friend, until he wasn’t. Our relationship lasted five months and came to an abrupt end. Jorge had some personal things in his life and didn’t have time to give our relationship the effort he wanted to give it.

GET OVER A LOSER HACK #3: KNOW GOOD THINGS TAKE TIME

After being friends with Jorge so long, I thought this relationship would be my last. When we broke up, my world ended, again, and not for the last time. I had to remind myself that anything good in life takes time. Nothing happens overnight. If I wanted something good to happen and in a healthy way, I had to wait. Now, I am not saying wait forever. I am not saying to wait for someone to come back once you break up. I am saying that maybe this relationship didn’t work out, because in due time something else will.

In continuation with Jorge, I loved him. So, we tried and we tried again. I did things he didn’t like, and he did things I wasn’t a fan of. We went to therapy. We did life coaching. Nothing helped build this relationship that was so broken. We both didn’t want to admit it, but it was because we both had boundaries we couldn’t change for each other, or at the time were not willing to.

GET OVER A LOSER HACK #4: DON’T BREAK YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES

I stand firm on the boundaries I wanted to have in my relationship, and I hope every woman and man can stand on theirs. Keep reminding yourself that your boundaries matter. It didn’t work out because they wouldn’t stop getting high every day and you asked them not to? They couldn’t stop going to the strip club? That’s okay. They aren’t willing to change for you, so remind yourself this: It’s over because you respect yourself enough to keep your boundaries. There’s also nothing wrong with them wanting to keep their boundaries as well, even if you disagree.

A few months ago I decided I was going to creep on my ex’s Instagram page. I saw his following count went up since I had checked last. C’mon, I know I am not the only person on this planet that does stuff like that. Sorry not sorry. So anyways, I looked at who he followed, and who followed him back. This deep dive led me so deep that I found out the new girl he had been dating was a stripper. Not just a stripper. A hot stripper. Blonde hair. Big boobs. Fat ass. Whole package. I’d like to say I didn’t think anything of it, but if you ask my friends, they would tell you the number of times they had to stop me from crying about it.

GET OVER A LOSER HACK #5: STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA

Truth is, I shouldn’t have even been on his page. I should’ve been off social media and off his accounts. What people post on their social media isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be either. I recommend when getting over someone, stay far away from their socials. Don’t even look. So what if they are seeing someone new? So what if they follow baddies online? What they do now is no reflection of what you once had with them. It’s just what they want to do now that you aren’t together, so let them!

Most recently, I dated a guy named Andrew for about seven months. Andrew was sweet, great at communicating, great at planning dates, good in bed, and kind to others. He was what I call the full package. It was what I had been looking for. One random weekday he asked me to go fishing with him. I hadn’t gone since I was a kid. He showed me how to use the rod and bait the crabs. It was intimate and I loved being involved in something he loved so much. Afterwards, we went to a bar for some spicy margs. We were making conversation when suddenly the subject shifted. We began talking about our male friend who had just had a breakup. That’s when Andrew proceeded to confidently tell me “I don’t know why he broke up with her. Have you seen her body?” To make matters worse, he had a coworker’s Instagram pulled up with a picture of this girl with “the nice body” in it. Then he zoomed into the picture focusing on her. At this moment, I should’ve just ended it. Unfortunately, I kept the relationship going. Multiple things kept happening similar to this, and it led into my ultimate mental spiral and finally me breaking up with him. Also yes, her body is amazing. Never hate on the woman!

GET OVER A LOSER HACK #6: KNOW YOU ARE THE PRIZE

You’re the prize. Easy as that. Dating you is a privilege. It’s a privilege to let someone into your mind, into your heart, and into your bed. It’s okay to let go of someone because they didn’t fully make you feel like you were being chosen. You always deserve to be chosen.

AND

GET OVER A LOSER HACK #7: KNOW WHEN THE PARTY IS OVER

If your relationship isn’t going anywhere and neither of you are happy, you have to recognize and be okay with knowing it’s over. No, you didn’t waste your time. You got to learn more about what YOU wanted out of a relationship. It’s good to walk away. Someone can be a good person overall, and just not the right person for you.

There are so many ways you can get over an ex. In my experience, these lessons are what helped me get through all the different relationships I have had over the years. Each relationship taught me something new about myself, about my emotions, about the kind of partner I want, and the kind of partner I want to be.

There is no right way to move on or let go. Do it at your own pace. Just know you are never alone even when things might feel lonely.

Now, I know I was never perfect in any of these relationships either, but hey. This is my blog. Maybe I’ll tell you all about my toxic behaviors and how I coped another time.

Until then,

xoxo bella