My unfortunate new struggle with intimacy & sobriety
Being single and sober, I am struggling. To some that might sound pathetic. How hard could it be to be sober and date? Well, if you are or have known someone who struggles with addiction, maybe you could understand where I am coming from.
Becoming sober has been a goal of mine for years. I am recently completely sober. By recently, I mean one month. Is this forever? I don’t know. I just know it’s the best choice for me right now.
Last year during my first break from drinking, I went on my first sober date. It was awful. I couldn’t make conversation, there were moments of silence that could cut glass, I felt like every story I told was boring, and I was constantly stressed out about his perception of me. That’s when I realized all the other dates I have had in the years prior were conversations being influenced by Miller Lites and tequila shots. I was building my confidence through alcohol.
I wasn’t building confidence on my own.
I barely know who I am anymore without drinking, so how could I bring a partner into my life when I don’t even know who I am?
From what I have learned so far, I was practicing my addiction during a time when intimacy and emotional intelligence were supposed to be learned, as well as the ability to form close bonds.
Romantic and platonic friendships have different levels of intimacy, but both are affected by addiction in different ways. I noticed my romantic relationships were mostly harmed by my behaviors when under the influence of alcohol.
In every single one of my past romantic relationships, I created this extremely unhealthy pattern of bottling up emotions. I didn’t notice this pattern until becoming sober, and I wish someone would’ve shaken me a long time ago and told me to stop. (I’m sure they did and I just didn’t listen.) So, when I was sober and something in my relationship would make me mad or upset, I would ignore it. I’d act like it didn’t bother me. Then, a few days, weeks, or even hours later, if I had a drink or two, all of these angry thoughts would come out and I would lay into my partner. These behaviors left them confused, attacked, and upset. I wasn’t able to communicate with them properly when I was sober. It pissed them off, and boy, do I get it now.
I was using alcohol as an excuse!!! Every single time. An excuse for my anger. An excuse for my behavior. I would lie and tell my partners I would change. I’d tell them I would learn to be better. I never got better.
Not until sobriety.
Becoming sober has made me the most vulnerable and honest version of me. I no longer make excuses. I no longer hide what I feel, and I communicate openly.
Recently I started casually “hanging out” with someone. Someone who I dated during a time when I was, for lack of better terms “a drunk bitch”. The connection ended in the past because I truly didn’t know how to handle my emotions and feelings in a healthy way, so I ended up hurting myself and him.
Now, he has let me back into his life, but not without slight hesitancy. I believe he can see that I changed, and I know I have. I am honest with him and tell him how I feel. Despite the casualness of it all, I finally find myself building a stronger friendship and deeper connection. Now it’s not just about going out drinking and then coming home to hook up. It’s based on spending time together, my personality is out more, and I can truly see him for the person he is now that my drunk goggles are off.
Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is connection, deep connections. It’s getting to know every part of someone.
The first day I hung out with him sober, I was an awkward mess. I only knew him when I was drunk. I felt like I couldn’t even create a simple conversation or make eye contact. It was so strange. It felt like I was out of my own body. It’s been a few weeks now, and I can honestly say I haven’t felt this comfortable with a man in an extremely long time. It feels more of a choice now that I am sober. My brain is always clear, and I get to choose what I want. Not that I didn’t have choices in the past, but I definitely didn’t make all the right ones when alcohol was involved.
So I guess I could say that creating intimate connections sober in the beginning is challenging. BUT over time, it makes things easier. Creating something healthy isn’t going to feel comfortable when your brain is wired to think that you shouldn’t feel that way.
On top of learning how to create intimate romantic relationships, I am also learning how to repair broken friendships.
I was friends with someone for seven years. Still, kinda am. We dated during some of that time as well, and he might have been the person hurt the most throughout my years of addiction. One of the first people I called to tell I was going sober was him. I could tell over the phone he didn’t quite believe me. He had heard this before! After two weeks of my sobriety, we met up for coffee and talked for hours about life and how we were both changing for the better. I apologized for all my drunk behaviors, and now we both are aiming to work together to create a healthy and healed friendship.
It was embarrassing at first to reach out to him. I kept replaying old memories in my mind. Times when drinking had hurt our friendship. All I can do now is keep showing this person how I am changing, and keep proving it to myself.
Finding intimacy in sobriety is not just about current and future relationships. Sometimes it helps you reflect on your past.
Since sobriety is a sensitive subject for some, and I don’t have much experience with years of sobriety, I decided to reach out to two of my good friends who have been sober for quite some time.
Liv is five years sober.
Brandon is almost three years sober.
How hard do you find it to make close connections with people in sobriety? Friendships and relationships?
LIV: Before I stopped drinking I would hang out with whoever was at the bar, whoever had the drug I was fiending for, never forming connections that existed outside of getting fucked up together. I find the connections I’ve made and continue to make in sobriety to be more intentional and more authentic because I myself am more intentional and authentic. After five years of sobriety, my relationship with my family is stronger than ever and while I may have lost some “friends” because I stopped showing up to the bar, the friends who stuck around I feel an immense gratitude and love for.
BRANDON: I don’t know if hard is the right word, but you definitely become more selective. You look for connections that align with who you’ve become. That doesn’t mean you’re only friends with other sober people, in fact most of my friends drink, but being sober you’re a little more aware of what’s going on around you so you connect with people and situations that help you keep your peace.
Was it more challenging in the beginning of sobriety forming romantic connections? or did you never find an issue?
LIV: I love this question because yes and no. Many of us have heard the phrase “walking around with rose colored glasses on”, especially in regard to relationships. When I was drinking, I was wearing rose colored drunk goggles all day every day. The way I form romantic connections now is with 20/20 vision. I’ve learned more about how to love myself and how I want to be loved in five years of sobriety than I did in my 21 years of living before getting sober. It may seem more challenging to form romantic connections but that is because I’m not allowing myself to form a romantic attachment to everyone, to someone who simply gives me the same high as a drug or drink. Romance doesn’t die when you become sober, it takes on a new life, one that has purpose and is genuine.
BRANDON: I would say most definitely. You’re going through a major change in life and in my case, I put myself out there a lot less for a while. At the time, where I wanted to be was more important than needing someone else. You kind of relearn how to be self-sufficient, then eventually with time you welcome someone great into your life. You stop fully pleasing others all the time and work towards more genuine connections, something that is fulfilling and lasting.
Being 3-5 years sober, what is some helpful advice you could give someone who is sober and struggling with making personal connections with people?
LIV: Be patient! In the beginning of your sobriety journey you are in the process of relearning almost everything about yourself, how you exist in this world, and how to love yourself. I found that connecting with yourself first allows for deeper connections with others. Finding spaces outside of the bar to hang out is key and luckily sobriety is more mainstream than it used to be so more and more spaces are being created for sober people to make connections and be around other sober people. I really believe that once you find yourself, you will find the connections you’ve been craving.
BRANDON: I’m a big believer in exposure therapy. Like if there is something you want to do, but then find yourself not doing it or lacking the confidence at the last minute, just jump in.The more you expose yourself to situations that feel uncomfortable or intimidating, then the sooner they’ll become second nature. Just put yourself out there and welcome new opportunities. There are a lot of hours in a day and sometimes just taking that step forward is the greatest choice you can make.
Again, I really don’t know if this is forever. I just know what I am doing now, and I know it’s hard. If you’re going through something like this, just know you are not alone.
xoxo bella