Why do men leave when things get hard?

WHY DO MEN LEAVE WHEN THINGS GET HARD? 

The question of the century, why do men do anything that they do?

Recently, I heard a story from a friend about how her relationship abruptly ended. They were happy, planning their future, and everything seemed to be going well. Then- you guessed it -he broke up with her. She was completely caught off guard. There was no warning or even a feeling that it was going to end. She was the happiest she’d been in a long time, and felt confident he was the one for her. 

Why did he break up with her?

He told her he wasn’t in the place he wanted to be in life for her. He had things he needed to work on for himself, so he couldn’t be in a relationship with her anymore. He couldn’t give her the time he thought she deserved. 

Why couldn’t he stay with her and work on himself?

A few years ago, the guy I was dating was going through an extremely rough time in his life. I won’t share what it was, but imagine the worst things that could happen to a person, and then double it. I tried to support him and be there for him, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t heal his pain. I couldn’t change his circumstances. He said he needed to focus on himself, and couldn’t put any of his time into our relationship. 

We had been in a happy relationship. We had no prior issues. He just couldn’t be with me. He had to leave. Now some may say I am selfish for getting mad about him leaving. Others may say he is selfish for leaving. 

The truth is, there is no right or wrong answer here. Just a question.

Why do men leave when things get hard?

I played the story over in my head a million times. After being happily together for so long, how could he leave? How could he just let go of me?  I imagined the roles reversed. I asked myself, “If I was in his shoes, would I leave him?” I got even more upset when I realized the answer was simply, “No.” I would stay. 

For months I was so pissed that he left me. I wanted to be there for him, and he didn’t want me there. After months of me trying to beg him to let me back into his life, I understood that it wasn’t about me after all. As much as I wanted him to choose to stay with me, he had to leave. 

He wanted to go through something by himself, when I wanted him to go through it with me. It made me feel like I was the hard choice. Like leaving me was the easier option than what he was going through. 

Why am I not worth being kept?

Don’t get me wrong, I have also left people. More than once. So let’s rename this article real quick. 

WHY DO WE LEAVE WHEN THINGS GET HARD?

Why do we have to learn the hard way? 

Last year, I was seeing a new guy. Let’s call him Tom. (Surprise surprise, another name on the blog!) 

Tom came into my life around the same time I had been getting over what I would call the biggest heartbreak of my life. I thought I’d never love again. Well, I honestly just didn’t want to allow myself to love again. Because love means you’ll get hurt. I couldn’t let myself get hurt, not again, and not this soon. 

After only being with Tom for five minutes, I found an excuse to end our relationship. The excuse seemed valid at the time but upon further reflection, maybe not so valid after all. Deep down it was just because I knew if I kept going with this person, I might fall in love. And I didn’t want to allow myself to do that. I wasn’t ready to fully connect with someone, after I had spent the last few years of my life being let down by the same person. 

On a random Tuesday I showed up to Tom’s house and ended it. I chose to leave because my feelings were overwhelming and I thought instead of dealing with them, I could just leave. How unfair to him, and myself. I didn’t give myself a chance to be treated right, and I didn’t give him the chance to try. 

Jokes on me though. You can only avoid feelings for so long until they turn up again.

I left because I wasn’t in a place in my life to give myself to someone else. I couldn’t expose myself and who I was to a new person. Tom isn’t a bad guy. I don’t even think I was a bad person. I just think it wasn’t the right timing for me to give Tom what he deserved. 

Why did I leave because I was scared to get hurt? 

Old Bella used to crash out easily, get jealous, and have a hard time communicating her emotions. I could never believe people when they would tell me I had these problems. I would place the blame everywhere but on myself. Why? Nothing could ever be my problem, could it?

So, I would leave. Leave the relationship. The friendship. The environment. Whatever was challenging any bad traits of mine, I would walk away from it. I would rather leave than change. I would rather leave than address that anything could be my fault. (I was shocked to find out that I wasn’t perfect!)

I have recently come to find out that those “flaws” I had would only come up when I was in a relationship. I convinced myself I was healed because I was single. Yes, when you are single of course those problems go away. But they only disappear because you aren’t forced to confront relationship behaviors when you are single. So yeah, I am flawed. I left because I didn’t think I was. I don’t recommend following in my footsteps on that choice. Respect yourself enough to know that you may be the problem sometimes, and we all have flaws. Don’t leave because you’re uncomfortable, or do. It’s your choice. 

Why did I leave because I couldn’t admit I was flawed? 

I don’t think leaving means I didn’t care for that person. I just think that leaving was always the easier choice for me. Staying meant I had to change. Staying meant I had to grow. Staying meant I was leaving room to get hurt by someone. Staying meant that not everything was about me for once. 

Do I leave because staying is the harder thing to do? 

Now for the real kick in the face. Sometimes people leave because they want to. They don’t want to keep that relationship or friendship. There doesn’t have to be this deep reason as to why, although when you get left you might try to search for a reason that makes sense. Trust me, no reason will make sense when someone suddenly leaves you. Nothing will feel right, because it wasn’t a choice you had any say in making. 

Not every ending is dramatic. (I love drama so that sucks to admit) Not every person in your life that hurt you has to be the villain. All the people that have left me, I don’t hate them. I write about my experiences with them, and yes some are bad, but if I wrote about all the good things people did for me, then my writing might be a lot less interesting to you. 

How do I come to terms with the fact that someone just wanted to leave? 

The truth is, sometimes people have to leave because it’s the best thing for them. It doesn’t have anything to do with the people they leave. Leaving can be the harder choice for them, but in your eyes it looks like it’s not.

Honestly, I don’t have the answer to any of the questions I’ve asked. I’ve been left and I’ve left people. I’ve been hurt and I have done the hurting. 

There are so many reasons why people leave. It doesn’t make sense sometimes, but it doesn’t have to. 

Maybe next time I have the choice to leave, I just might stay. 

xoxo bella